Cerebral Palsy.
Brain Anoxia.
Permanent disability with
weakness or paralysis of legs
Loss of bowel or bladder
control.
Frequent urinary track
infections.
Meningitis.
Coexisting defects or
other defects.
These are the delightful
little side effects that you can get when you are born with Spina Bifida, the very disease Sean
Shannon claimed to be born with and must suffer through, all of his life. He
admitted to having this disease in response to a challenge made to him by Steve
Corino to get in the ring as see how hard it is to be a wrestler.
No wonder he's so
depressed. He keeps peeing and pooping his pants!
Sean, Sean, Sean. What are
we going to do with you?
I didn't even want to
write this piece. I mean, I suggested it off-hand to Dillard one day and before
I knew it, Jeremy Botter was shooting me an e-mail saying, "We Want
IT!!!" I am an impulsive sort, what I think is a good idea an hour ago I
think is stupid the next. I saw the petty little "I Want Attention"
stunt you pulled by sending everyone who wanted to check out Rantsylvania over
to your site. I actually sort of liked the boldness of it.... but that didn't
mean I thought it was a cool move. Now, if you did it to the Shooters, or
Wrestleline, or even the Torch.... I would have applauded louder than anyone.
But to do it to the one group of people who supported you as best as they
could, very petty.
No, after some thought, I
decided that I didn't even want to write this thing. I said everything I wanted
to say about you, Sean, a long time ago. I called your house, harassed you,
goofed on you, kept harping and harping on you every week. I humiliated you,
made you, insulted you, and did the literary equivalent of ripping off your
clothes and making you walk down a busy street during rush hour traffic holding
a big sign reading, "I Am A Loser".
I also found something you wrote on WebMd.com
<http://www.webmd.com> which got into your depression over how
WCW created 3Count as a direct attack on your person (Still inflict pain on
yourself with coat hangers, Sean?) and threatened to let everyone see it (I
never made it public, but Luke Johnston has it. He can now do whatever he wants
with it. I release him from any promise of secrecy.) I did everything I wanted
to do and was all set to relax. Let you go do whatever it is you want to do and
leave you be. You had left Rantsylvania, set up your own little site, and
begged us not to visit. You left your old life behind, you told the readers,
(namely and only us), so please go away and leave you alone. I was more than
happy to do so.
Turns out you weren't
quite done with your old life, now were you?
Let's look at one of the
things I listed up there. I "made you". Yes, I did. Of course, I
didn't have sex with your Mother twenty six years ago, oh no.... I waited a few
years before hitting that booty, but I most definitely helped make the Sean
Shannon "Internet Wrestling Personality" everyone loved to hate.
Without me to feud with, I sincerely doubt you would have learned enough about
presenting yourself in order to become any sort of presence around here. I
certainly gave you "Net fame", a visible fiend for you to rally
against and channel all your rage into. On the Net, you were a non-distinct
voice that had things to say but no way to make them heard. I changed all that.
I made you interesting. I had every one of my readers wondering who you were
and why I was taking shots at you. For the first time in your life, people
actually gave a shit at what you had to say, because of me.
You just couldn't handle
it. See, Sean's whole Internet persona was defined by his reactions, not his actions.
His ECW recaps are a testament to that. Having to attract readers who wanted to
see what ECW did on TV that week instead of just bringing them in to hear what
you have to say about whomever busted your balls that week proved to be too
tough for him to do on his own. No, he had to do it "Mop-Up" style
and write like me, only overjamming the recap with negativity, having no idea
how to do it otherwise. No, he couldn't start anything without boring everyone
to tears, but when he reacted to flame mail, or me, or the DVD Douchebags, or
Steve Corino, or CRZ.... he was utterly fascinating. He knew this, so much so
that started to depend on it. This is when you got into trouble. You kept
reacting by going for the sympathy vote. Your typical line was, "You're being cruel! But I've been treated
cruelly before! Like the time I..." then go into a long heartbreaking
tale about abusive teachers, violent bullies, birth defects, speech
impediments, utter sadness, parents who don't know how to talk to you, morbid
obesity. Over the last few years, you just kept piling on the drama. One misery
after another. One dragon that has yet to be slain after another. Man, you were
like a chick! No wonder you call yourself "Li'l Miss Rebel".
"Li'l Miss Drama Queen" is more like it.
The straw on the readers'
sympathy for you broke after that lame Corino excuse. Obviously, you enjoyed
trolling around the WebMd site enough to know where to find the story on a
really cool, really unknown "birth defect" that would not only offer
a great reason for bagging out of Corino's challenge, but it will get TONS of
sympathy from the reader. Hey look! Sean is fighting against all odds again!!
Go, Sean, GO!!! Dumb kid. You was so into getting pity from everyone that you
went a bit too far. If maybe you told everyone about this when I first started
talking about you, then it would have been different, but to just throw this in
after a wrestler confronted your bad, "I Hate Everything" recap, it
became laughable. You don't have it, no one thinks you do, and no one feels bad
for you. You blew it.
One question. Why didn't
you just tell Corino, "Look, I am a critic of wrestling. You are a
wrestler. It comes with the territory." Or why didn't you challenge him to
an interview? Get some mileage out of an "Up Close and Personal with Steve
Corino" for your site? Done correctly, and you would have scored tons of
points with everyone on respect. Even I would have given you props. There were
so many ways to take care of this little thing.... but no, you wanted sympathy.
Sympathy is something you just don't get in real life, I guess. Probably
because no one "gets you".
Actually, some people did
"get you". Scott Keith got you. Don Becker got you. Everyone who
contributed to Rantsylvania got you, and they believed in you and what you
created. They liked it here, Sean. They tell me they liked working with you....
working for you. They defended you
whenever someone went off on you in the Delphi Forum. They took pride in this
quiet little place that was the only independent web site to get a brief, but
respectable review in Entertainment
Weekly. They were proud of their work here, and they were proud of working
with you.
Then you left. Just flat
out decided that you couldn't take it anymore and handed the whole magilla over
to Scott Keith. Including about $1000 in overdue bills. The worst part is, you
didn't even have the balls to tell Scott about it. You let him be surprised.
You deserted them Sean, the only people on this Internet who fully supported
you. You dumped out on them and said, "F**K You".
To make matters worse, you
opened that depressing little "Feel Sorry For Me" home page where you
droned on about how your "old life" was killing you from the inside
out. How the "old days" were creatively stifling, emotionally
traumatic, and destructive to your self-esteem. So, you got out of it before it
engulfed you. You fought back against the Dragons who called you
"friend" and slain them mightily by getting AWAY from them and
leaving them for dead! Ah, sing the songs of survival, Li'l Miss Drama Queen!
How did you old friends
react? Betrayed, angry, hurt, offended. After all, they knew you were an idiot.
They knew you were a loon. They were well aware that you are a weirdo. They
still stuck by you. They still wrote for you. They gave you all they possibly
could to make Rantsylvania a legit wrestling site, no matter how hard you made
it for them, they gave you their loyalty. Now they were the bad influences?
They were evil? They were what was killing you inside? Is it any wonder they
reacted as they did? Is it any wonder Don Becker wrote a short little essay
displaying his hurt at this betrayal? They were angry and reacted as such.
Honestly, you had no right to be offended.
But you were, so you
pulled that stunt on them and re-routed all Rantsylvania traffic
away to your site. It was
one last power trip. Fueled partially because they had the nerve to be upset
with you, and partially because Scott had announced that they would move
somewhere else and get rid of any trace of you. I'm sure that had a lot to do with
the stunt, too. They were moving on and not dedicating every single inch of
space to you and what was wrong with you and how could they get you back. They
were moving on. You weren't quite as ready for that as you told everyone. You
still had one more little trick to pull that would reminded everyone that you
still exist.
Okay Drama Queen. You
exist. They know.
Guess what Sean, they just
don't care anymore.
Here's the deal.
Rantsylvania is dead. The Smarks are alive. Since no one has ever accused you
of being either A: Smart or B: A Mark, you're presence is no longer required.
You can't touch them anymore. You can't be a part of their site anymore. You
made it, it's your baby, but they don't want you in it anymore. You've been
kicked out of your own house Sean. Now if only your father would do the same.
To make sure you got the
message, they let me... me into your
site to tell you outright. They are even letting me run And Another Thing here each week. If you know the column, then you
know it's not "Mop-Up Jr.", but it's some damn fine commentary, the
best on the Net. If you don't know the column, you will like what you read. I
promise.
Hey Sean, guess what? You
are dead to them. They will no longer go to your site. They will no longer
comment about you on this site. They will no longer give you any more
acknowledgment. You lost the only Internet friends you really ever made. And no
one sympathizes with you. I encourage everyone reading this to NEVER go to his
site again. Not to see his reaction, not to see how depressed he is, and not to
read him tell another tale of some impossible obstacle that God (or whatever he
worships) threw at him. Let's put him on ignore and let him try to get a whole
new audience. He doesn't deserve any more attention from us.
He keeps saying that he
has left his old life behind.
Hey Sean, guess what? Your
old life has now officially left you
behind.
Good luck, Li'l Miss Drama
Queen.
This is Hyatte.
(Chris Hyatte writes the Mop-Up and
contributes news at 411 Wrestling
<http://www.411wrestling.com>. 411 is home to daily news,
recaps, columns, and the most up-to-date, extensive News Board on the
Internet.)